Generally Speaking...

You should never say never.

But I am pretty certain I will not meet my future husband in da club.

Saturday night my friend and I went to a club for a friend of a friend of a friend's birthday party. But the real reason was an opportunity for me to meet someone. My 2010 quest means no excuses to turn down such an opportunity.

I resisted the urge to by a new outfit for such a momentous occasion planning for the fact that the drinks alone would take a chunk out of my retirement fund. Knowing that club wear these days is teeny dresses and the clubbers wearing them are in their 20's made the process of selecting an outfit from my full yet age appropriate closet quite nerve racking. (It took me forever the next day to clean up all the rejected clothes from my bedroom floor.) I managed to leave the house looking trendy with a classy twist and feeling pretty good about the way I looked. Yes, I was sassy, confident and ready to meet my future husband!

We got ourselves a drink and found the spot with a perfect view - a view of everyone in the club that also put us on view. The key of course is to be perky and friendly to everybody. The risk you take with that strategy is that you attract unwanted attention which eventually leads to annoyed bored face, which discourages the right guy to make a move, which leads to glances at the watch and an early departure. The rest of my night was a hazy swirl of small talk, avoiding the well-fed gentleman from Dallas who latched on to me when I was the earlier perkier version of myself, apologizing to an angry sister when my drink spilled on her because some still perky girl behind me bumped in to me, wishing I would have worn sensible dancing shoes, and realizing that the later it became the less likely it was to meet anybody in their right mind.

I left the club that night having only exchanged phone numbers with the angry sister who eventually became my bestie.

Because, of course, my heart is open to finding the one anywhere I go and because, you know, never say never, I suppose there is a slim chance it could happen. But the only reasons I will ever be returning to a club at this particular stage in my life is with a group of friends for a birthday, bachelorette, engagement or some other milestone event.

I'm now well in to March and at this point it seems my experiences are more about how not to meet men, instead of finding someone. BUT a really good thing happened last Saturday night... I learned I still got it going on!

*To my girlfriend who went with me that night...It was a lot of fun to dress up and have a drink with you. THANK YOU along with your husband for the hall pass. I know you put up with the scene for me and I promise I won't put you through that again. But you're not off the hook for other adventures because you're too good of a wing man.

The Woodwork

Why is it that just as soon as I put it out there that I am open to new dating relationships, boys from the past come out of the woodwork?

Do they have a sixth sense and they can feel it when the thinking about them stops? Or maybe I just sort of get filed away in their brains and then one day I pop into the forefront of their minds like some sort of word-of-the-day calendar? It's a mystery, but it happens to me all the time. Random IMs, texts, voice mails, emails...

Last week I got a text from a pilot I went on one date with over a year ago. He had an overnight layover in Burbank and well that's not too far from Beverly Hills, right? Uhm, yes, sorry loser, it is too far for me to drive to see someone who blew me off after one date and who is only back in town for one night, thank you very much.

Today I got an email from a guy I met at an event last summer. He sort of asked me out, we made tentative plans, and then poof! he just disappeared. Trapped under a large piece of furniture, spontaneously combusted, who knows, but at least I now know he is still alive. It's entertaining when these things happen because the tone is always so casual like 8 or 9 months haven't gone by and hey, remember we were going to go to a wine tasting? This dude now wants to send me a couple tickets to an event next month and then meet up with me there. So... a couple of tickets means it definitely isn't a date, but it is a great opportunity to do something fun and possibly meet new people. I will accept the invite and either show up with my new boyfriend, which I have a month to find, or one of my single girlfriends who since I have declared my quest have also happily been coming out of the woodwork.

Typically this is one of those when-it-rains-it-pours sort of thing. So, I can't wait to see who creeps out of the woodwork next...

I am not a Cougar...

I lack the killer instinct.

I thought I was going to an Oscar party, but it turned in to a National Geographic expedition. Myself- cougar on the prowl. The young lone straight male - the prey. I'm not sure what a 22 year old straight guy was doing at an Oscar party at the Abbey... that to me was just as strange as the concept that I being the only single woman and old enough to be his mother was expected to attack and devour him. The spectators circled us like hyenas anticipating the juicy details of the day after stories. "You'll have to tell me all about it" hissed one of the hyenas and yes I do believe some drool glistened the corner of his grin.

Ewww! So disgusting.

It's annoying to me that if you are over the age of 40, people just assume you want to hunt down and play with every handsome little nugget that comes along. Uhm, no thanks.

My apologies to those who were hoping for the scandalous details of a night spent with some young buck. I may have been willing to do a little exploring but there was zero chemistry. It would take a special connection, maybe even some fireworks to get this old girl to pounce just for the sake of an entertaining post.

I may be of cougar age, but I still want and deserve to be the hunted not the hunter. And honestly I have no desire to train a new cub. I'll take the experience of a few wrinkles and graying temples any day. I am looking for love in my life - a lover, a friend, a partner to grow old with. Could that happen with someone younger than me? Sure, but highly unlikely it will be someone 1/2 my age. Yes, I know, I know you ask what about Ashton and Demi?... Sure, that dynamic duo has thrown a loop to ageism, but what people forget is... she is DEMI MOORE!

p.s. The picture above is of myself at the Oscar party... On the prowl... Grrr!

Red Flags

Red flags... sometimes we ignore them.

I knew before our date that he wouldn't be the guy I would bring home to my parents, but I was excited when the good-looking trainer at my gym asked me out. The red flags were there from the moment we first started flirting at the gym, chatting on the phone and texting. (BTW he is an extremely entertaining texter.) When I expressed my reservations to my mother she reminded me that it's never a bad thing to be seen on a date with a great looking guy and well, you never know...

I had no idea what I was in for.

The date started out promising. Turns out he looks good in jeans as well as board shorts! But soon after we placed our orders at the restaurant I realized I wasn't going to do much of the talking and I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear what he had to say. This must be what guys go thru when a beautiful woman goes on and on about her eating disorder, ex boyfriends, and addiction issues. I felt like a dude, but I wanted him to stop talking and, I don't know, maybe kiss me! After awhile I stopped wishing he would shut up and instead just let him ramble on while I fantasized about our vacation together on a tropical island and wondered if he would pack his old Chippendales costume, it couldn't possibly take up too much room. Every 10 min or so I would get jolted back to reality by another glaring flag - exwife, maybe two but for sure one... that he actually saw earlier today?what? -- back to the palm trees -- did he just say his bathroom would make a good pot farm? -- back to the bowtie without a shirt -- rehab for coke addiction -- back to his teeth, could they be any whiter? -- he adds vodka to the vitamin water he drinks while training clients? -- wait, if we dated would he train me for free?!! I was so confused, do I run or dive head first in to those beautiful green eyes. I started to plan how I could spin this to my family and friends... a Chippendales dancer is more like a member of a performing dance company, not a group of male strippers, right?

I received a cute voicemail and a few texts after that night, but that was our one and only date. The way I look at it, he actually did me a big favor by never asking me out again. I did myself another favor by finally removing his number from my phone. Until some genius invents an iPhone app that puts certain numbers on lock down after detecting that even the tiniest amount of alcohol has been consumed, I just can't be trusted.

When you first get to know someone it's good to reflect on your conversations and figure out if any inevitable red flags are deal-breakers or just minor annoyances. But when you go on a date with a giant walking orange cone it's best to go home and delete his number from your phone, no matter how amazing looking he is.